Writing about yourself is hard.

I can write about the things I've seen, the things that have made me laugh, the trauma that mingles in my soul, but if you ask me to write a description of myself, I stutter.

My best attempts always boil down to dreadful listicles, I'm Italian-American, I grew up in Phoenix, I find camaraderie and a kindred spirit in my boston terrier. I work in show-business, sometimes as a props guy and sometimes as a scenery guy. Lately, I'm more of a cross-my-arms-and-point guy. I've got ADHD, and when I found out a few years ago, not a single one of my friends was surprised.

If I was on a blind date with you, I'd just try to make you laugh.

If you were a potential employer, I'd come across and cool, competent, and confident - right before I get on my hands and knees and beg you for a paycheck.

If you were my therapist, you'd want to give me a hug, ethical boundaries be damned.

If you were my wife, you'd probably say that I was a sensitive guy, that I'm the strongest person she's ever met, and that I scream like Homer Simpson whenever I see a bug in the house.

If you were my dog, you'd probably just want some cheese.

But I mean, you don't even know what I look like. You don't know the tattoos of anchors on my arms, my history in the Navy, about my oversized forearms, about my affection for Olive Oil, or my abusive relationship to spinach. And if you thought, "hey, fuck you, that's Popeye!", yes, I agree.

Fuck me.

I saw David Sedaris - my favorite author - live last year. He said that if you want to get better at writing, you need to write. Practice makes perfect, and this Substack is my practice. The picture you will paint of me will always be dreadfully incomplete. Allow yourself to be comforted by the fact that this is a mutual experience.

The story's I share are true, at least to the best of my knowledge. My goal is to make you laugh, and I apologize if I make you cry instead. Thank you for taking the time to read my work.

Consider my premium subscription a tip jar for now. I’ll have plans for it further in the future.